birthday/music rant

I can't beleive I turn 18 tomorrow. Its terrifrying. Terrifying to a point where I don't even care. As much as I can't stand any change whatso ever maybe things will finally change in a positive way. I just have to hope its true. Music has and will continue to be such a struggle. The best way to describe it is that theirs one magical producer out their I had to find and show them my potential. One magical produce who will talk to me and help me find whatever sound thats inside of me and help me bring it out. Not even I know what that is right now. I feel like I'm batteling a war of 2ne1 electro pop vs. hello project sugary goodness vs my inner rockstar. It's so hard, I love all these styles and to be told I had to be one is terrifying. I'm told to be true to myself but what am I? Theres nothing I love more then singing along to a whole hello project concert when I'm at home bored but can a white chick really pull off singing something like that without being labeled the bigged joke ever? Could I give up the chance at being as bad ass and hot as CL on stage? How do I give up my rocker chick love for bands like No Doubt, also the one path I know I can have my bass playing boyfriend right there with me. Then it gets even worse, could I give up my dreams of being the worlds first true international popstar to be at best a band that plays warped tour for a couple years? Could I be happy with a life that revolves so much on touring? Or could I get my messages across in pop music without always singing about boys and clubbing. Theres so much too think about. How can I choose who to be to the world when I couldn't decide in grade school? I was part of the cool group yet I went to anime conventions on weekends. Then I was the cheer captain yet I was a freak. I feel like I could do amazing things. Like I have amazing ideas that could inspire so many. I think inside everyone theirs more then one straight personality. I think we've been to attached to being able to label ourselves. The question is though, can the world accept me without a label and just like me for who I am?

I can't beleive while writing that i turned 18. I feel like I'm getting younger!