Oh drama, will you ever leave me alone to enjoy life?
Of course you won't, I wouldn't have a blog.
So I feel like I've been lying to you guys a bit. Last Saturday after I got home from the chaos that was my Nuit Blanche, I received the phone call I never thought was coming. Funny how, I spent the day crying and writing songs thinking maybe nothing was ever going to happen or change and then it does! Well, the epic-ness of the guy I refer to as "asshole" on this blog finally called after over a year. So at three in the morning, I receive a phone call that shocks me more then any of the nights events and just started crying. I found the whole situation insane in a number of ways, I was honestly telling myself "I AM MOVING ON TONIGHT LALALA" and then that happens.
The worst part is though, it feels like nothing's changed between the epic-ness iof me and him and honestly why would it? My point is, it won't. So I'm trying to figure out how to accept this, deal with it and move on. Things of course, could never be so easy with him. I made plans to travel an hour away into the middle of nowhere to go see him on Saturday, just to try and figure out what to do with my life and the night before he tells me "he doesn't care if I come or not becuase I'm making a big deal out of everything". Oh, sorry bud. Your going away for two weeks after this and I've been all screwed up over you for over a year. There is kinda a reason why it is a big deal. Also, If you liked me wouldn't it be IMPORTANT to see me?!?!
So Marie saved my life; she came over on Friday and me and my friends layed in the grass at the part watching the stars amoung the chaos that is my life. I also, ironically ran into my childhood best friend turned frenemy that I had'nt seen in years drunk at this paticular park. I didn't even recognize her, her face and her voice had just completly changed. It had only been two years after all. Seeing her made me realize exactly how much pain never really goes away, I'll always remeber thoes memories of happier times and the things that changed it all. So I sat at this park, wondering what on earth is going to happen next. I just met Marie, who already has done for me what I never thought I would find in a best friend and I thought about the others in my life who make it better. Diana, Jessica, Romisa, Reeny, Dave, Adam, my band.. where would I be without them and how will things be if they ever truly drift apart. I thought about this as I held my friends hands silently lying in the grass, this whole year had been hell and I want to be able to get over this whole "asshole" stage of my life but am I even willing to? I feel almost like I'm totally defined by this guy, like if I wasn't upset over him any longer I would lose a total sense of myself. In some ways though, I know that's right. I've written all my songs about him, had someone to cheer on from, well afar and even though I knew he didn't like me I could think of his good side, hope he had changed and wasn't the person who had hurt me so many times. I always could hope that, one day he would come back and be everything I had once seen in him, everything I knew he possibly could be but choose not to be.
Facing reality however, has been so much more harder then I ever imagined. As much as he may be convinced, he hasn't changed at all. He doesn't express any interest in what I do, I'm totally fine with him telling me all about his acomplishments but if he doesn't give a crap about mine how is that fair? He doesn't even bother trying to talk to me and I'm finding myself staring at the computer screen just begging for a reply just like I always had. My friends have tried relentlessly to explain to him the situation but all he does is tell them to screw off. He even called my friend Ivan gay on webcam many times. I'm sorry but when I like a person, I make sure to care about the people and things they care about not diss them up. Another thing to make this all worse was he even admitted that has doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him and he doesnt understand it. I know in some ways, I am totally right in my theory that he just jumps from one girl to the next- to insecure to be alone. He may be everything to me but I'm nothing he needs. Throw in the fact hes clearly been screwing a crap load of girls in his time without me there and is treating me like a piece of ass and I'm kinda broken right now.
So Friday he insulted my friends, told me he doesn't care if I come see him becuase I'm making it seem like its "such a big deal for us to see each other becuase its not that important" and a bunch of other things that made me have to hold Maries hand to fall asleep. I woke up however, stuck with a ride to Guelph, a best friend who would hold my hand through anything and went. We made last minute plans to meet up with our great, amazing friend Bobby who's a great photographer and model stuck in a crazy, evil little town I once grew up in. Me and Marie walked around the mall for awhile, in awe by the hair cuts and terrible fashion this town drowns in. It was odd though, I didn't totally feel terrible. I was so thankful, to be at this mall I had been crying in so many times the year before and have a best friend holding my hand through it all and making me smile. We were in D-tox, trying a bunch of crap on when in walked asshole with a bunch of friends. I almost died, he ignored me so I said hi. He then said, "one second," walked out of the store and never came back. Later when we passed him in the mall he said hi and I sarcastically said hi and kept walking. As we waited for Bobby to show up me and Marie sat in the food court eating. Him and his friends of course were in sight (not that he acknowledged my existence at all). She kept telling me to go up and talk to him but I've poured my heart into him so many times I knew it was pointless. I needed a break and went to the washroom where Marie stared him down and almost killed him. So Bobby got there and I just let go to the best of my ability and tried to enjoy being in a place so far from home with Marie and Bobby who I hardly get to see. We cheerleaded in the mall, talked to my friend Whitney and took a bus downtown where we took some photos with Bobby's amazing photography skillz. On the bus ride back to Toronto, I fell asleep on Marie waking up to a day that was so surreal I still don't know what to make of it.
That night I came on msn to him yelling at me, so I just went along with it. I admitted it was my fault becuase, it infact was. I set myself up for disappointment yet again when I should have known better and stopped talking to him two years ago. I was also stupid enough to believe things would ever change. He is who he is and hes going to stay that way. I still can find comfort in talking to him though because once I love someone, I don't think I really have the capabilty to hate them and never have I loved anything quite like this.
So thank you to the best friends I could ask for, I can't promise I'll ever move on from this but I can promise I'll be there for you guys if your ever in a situation like this.
And I would like to tell everyone who reads this blog post that has ever loved somebody so much but could never be loved back enough that we'll all find a way to get through this becuase we have to.
I can't explain how much I wish happy endings came true though. I was so stupid to believe they do.
<
